I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
