he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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