she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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