I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
