Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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