I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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