he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
