If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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