Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize