i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
