Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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