Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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