I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
