I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
