I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
