worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
