So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
