I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
