I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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