just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
