the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
