Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize