the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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