I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize