Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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