My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
