note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
