remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
do herpes really smell.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
