I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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