Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize