just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
