My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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