So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
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