i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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