She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
