saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize