My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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