I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
