When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm both gender and math confused
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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