I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
