New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
