Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
