oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
