false alarm. still invincible.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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