Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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