your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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