Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize