half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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