Define "chronic" masturbator.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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