New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize