u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
of course. lets lasso hookers.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
