Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
