the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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