You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
