I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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