Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
