It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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