im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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