no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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