Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And then my night got REAL pukey
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
