That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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