got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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