haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
