Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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