I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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