I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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