Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
