First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
